I’ve been on my laptop for the last 5 hours, looking at pictures and saving links so I can decide part of my future. Actually I’m sitting in a coffee shop in London, I chose the corner table for some privacy. I have been so focused on what I was doing, that I haven’t even taken the time to look around. Until I decided I need another coffee. My elixir nowadays (can’t believe I used to hate it before LOL).
The place was full of people, everyone so frenetic, telling stories and laughing and indulging the great food. Got so absorbed by my thoughts for a while, still confused how I can be so focused on something and not hearing all the noise around.
“Until I see them…a couple sitting in the opposite corner, quite far from me. She has long blonde hair and seems so lost in his eyes, while talking and smiling and using her hands to emphasize the story she’s saying. I can’t see his face, yet it seems he’s staying still, listening carefully and letting her do her thing. Suddenly she stops and grabs his face into her hands and pulls him closer. The way she looked at him gave me goosebumps and I couldn’t even blink. Like she saw her bright future through his eyes and wanted to stop the time and enjoy that moment forever. He takes few strands of her hair and pulls them behind her ear. She blushes as now he is able to see her face better. She keeps starring at him, without saying any word and I guess he gives her a compliment that makes her smile and within seconds, she pulls him even closer and kisses him.
I start to feel weird taking part at their story, but then I remember I am the freak who feels everything so deep and I live for this kind of emotions.”
I once lived them also, until one moment when it stopped. I don’t know what happened exactly and I’m not ready to be vulnerable, here. Maybe I’ll write an entire chapter about feelings soon.
I don’t like sharing bits of my personal life, the only thing I am going to mention is that I ended up my relationship. That’s why I have been traveling alone.
Everything ended on a Saturday morning, after a simple question “What’s happening with you?” and an answer of “It doesn’t feel right anymore. I’m not part of our story”.
All of our plans, all our shared dreams canceled…
We were supposed to move to another country, to leave everything behind and start a new life together.
Looking on that girl’s face loosing herself in his eyes, do I wish to feel the same? Desperately! I am longing for that feeling. But not with another person. I wish I could see it when I’m looking at myself in the mirror, falling in love with the person I’m becoming.
Healing takes time and loving myself is going to be a process that I will enjoy to the fullest.
But that for me means letting go…
Letting go of the flat I felt happy in the last year, letting go of the neighbors who made sense to the saying “sharing is caring”, letting go of a job and colleagues that supported me, to a city that was home in the last 1 year and a half, to the person I am.
Starting fresh and moving to another city…
Moving to London, a city full of energy and creativity that makes my heart skip a beat with every corner I discover.
I have one month to find a new job and a place to live.
All people around me say that I am courageous to leave behind such a nice flat in city center, friends I just made, a good job and photography opportunities and start from zero. Yet I ask them why they define me after all these things, as they don’t represent me. My peace of mind and happiness will always be a priority, no matter the things or opportunities. I can create them elsewhere, but what I will always have is myself. The only constant in my life is me.
Am I scared? You can bet I am. But I am scared more of being in my comfort zone, losing my spirit in a place I don’t call home anymore.
So, this message is for you also…
“How many people do you think are settling? Probably a hell of a lot. People settle into okay relationships, okay jobs, okay friends and an okay life. Why? Because okay is comfortable. Okay pays the bills and provides a warm bed at night. Some people are fine with okay. and guess what? That’s okay. But okay is not thrilling, it isn’t passion, it is not life changing or unforgettable. Okay is not the reason you risk absolutely everything you got for the smallest chance that something amazing could happen.”